The last time I saw him might have been at Starbucks. We were meeting up because he was going to give me something. I can’t even remember what anymore. I lived closeby but he didn’t, so I said we could meet somewhere in the middle, but he said the Starbucks was fine.
So he came over and gave me whatever it was he came over to give me. And then he sat down to keep chatting. I was a little surprised, because I thought he came over just to drop off whatever it was he came over to drop off, and I was in the middle of working on something. Oh who are we kidding, I can’t even remember what I was doing, but I was probably blogging.
But I guess we were hanging out? It wasn’t a big deal, but I don’t think we’d ever hung out just, you know, to hang out with each other. It was always to do something, or to hang out with a bigger group of people.
One-on-ones make me nervous. There’s a certain amount of mental preparation I have to do before I’m ready. More often than not, time forces me into them before I’m ready, but what can I do?
I tried to act nonchalant. Because it’s not cool to reveal your social anxiety. I tried to find just the right amount of attentiveness to show. Not too much, because I really was so interested (too interested?) in what he was saying whilst simultaneously wondering why he was sitting here at all. Not too little, because I’m not an ass.
This shouldn’t be a game. But I was trying to play it. Part of me ached to go back to the comfort of my blog, to type and edit and perfect on my own. Part of me wanted to just let go and talk about things we never had time to talk about in this fast-paced life.
And when he got up to go, I pretended I didn’t mind in the slightest. I told myself to keep typing and not glance back up.
If this were a movie, maybe he would have looked back just before I was out of sight. Maybe an orchestra would give us cues. Maybe I would have realised that it was dumb to pretend I didn’t care. Maybe I would have finally looked up, and at just the right moment. Maybe we would have shared a look before we went on to experience new things in different places.
But that was that.
And only one of us remembered, and we both lived happy lives.
*Disclaimer: dramatised reality. feelings are dumbb… (ಥ﹏ಥ)*