There’s so much I need to write. The problem is that, for the first time in a long time, I don’t want to write. And the reason for that is because I don’t have anything good to say; I don’t mean “good” in terms of quality but in terms of happiness.
I know that I don’t need to only write about the good stuff, that in fact, some people may prefer the heavier stuff, the real stuff. But every time I start, I sink into this dark hole. Meanwhile, I’m surrounded by the lightness of everyone else, thriving on the energy of the New Year. And I feel ungrateful. For the fact is that it has been an amazing year of amazing opportunities and amazing accomplishments for me. And yet I still feel this weird way.
Part of me is like: Calm down. Just stick to the happy stuff, at least this time around. It’s the New Year. Don’t ruin the energy. You don’t want to look back on your 2017-in-review post and see this bad energy. You have so much to be grateful for. Put off this feeling for a few more weeks. I know it’s just a bad day/week, maybe a few. But if people see this now, they’ll assume that it’s been a bad year. I know that if they do think that way, it’s only because they care and they’ll worry about you, God bless their souls. But I’m fine. I know I’ll get over it and I’ll be fine. I just need to not feel okay and not have people tell me that it’s okay.
I really didn’t want to be writing this post now. But there was nothing else I could write. For the last few weeks, I’ve been half-assing my posts because I haven’t been able to bring myself to write these posts, and then I’d punch them out the night before they were supposed to go up in a sleep-deprived stupor.
But in reality, there are so many things I need to write, things I need to write to help me sort myself out. That’s always what this space has been for me. But lately, it’s been smothered by posts I “need” to write. I had a plan. I was supposed to publish my 2017 life in review, 2017 blog in review, favourite posts of 2017, and 2017 reading challenge.
But right now, I can’t. Those posts can wait. Dates have never been important to me. They’re arbitrary social constructs and it frustrates me when people think there’s something wrong with me or are worried about me because I’m not excited enough.
I think it’ll take me a week to cool down. Another week to sort it out. And during that time, I won’t hold myself to anything. Or hey, maybe this post was all that I needed. I can’t tell you what January will look like on the blog; I guess we’ll both just have to wait and see. (I feel like I might be posting once a week this month, maybe.)
Okay now that I’ve gotten that out my system, and whilst I’m giving myself time to cool off…
Sorry I haven’t been replying to comments or checking in on your blogs! Disqus is blocked here; I can see your comments but I can’t reply to them. (Though I think I may have a way to reply to them soon…)
BUT ANYWAYS. I want to take this opportunity to try a Q&A post! Leave me a question (about anything!) in the comments, via my contact form, or via Instagram DMs. Give me something to think about while I’m slowing down ヾ(｡･ω･)ｼ
(I realise this request might be odd to lump with this post, but this is all about writing what I wanna write about right? hehe, whatever floats my boat.)